Isle of Wight Tests Genetically Modified People

As part of an attempt to move the Island up the national academic league table the Isle of Wight Council has announced a date on which it will make their first batch of genetically-modified citizens publicly available.

Having failed continually to reach the national academic criteria as set out by the UKs official body for educational standards, Ofsted, the Isle of Wight Council has set a date to begin public testing of their own batch of Isle of Wight super-citizens.

Undergoing several years of adjustments and tests, the GM citizens have been grown to optimally meet todays standards of intellect, physical strength, and social interaction.

After years of extensive research scientists discovered that the perfect Isle of Wight citizen bears the appearance of a middle-aged Asian male wearing a tiny goatee and moustache. As a result, this is the appearance
which every GM citizen will be equipped with.

The citizens have been conditioned genetically to resist the urge to smoke, eat anything beginning with Mc-, play music on their phones in public without earphones, watch reality television, talk about reality television, think about reality television, think outside the box, keep up-to-date with technology, and laugh at the elderly.

Genetically modified citizens instead have been made to love anything made by Marks & Spencer, listen to and enjoy BBC Radio 4, take a positive stance towards keeping things the way they were, avidly follow Countdown, buy puzzle books, avoid any form of unnecessary social interaction, and to find Alan Titchmarsh sexy in a well-aged sort of way. Opposition has come from environmental groups, since the GM people will be running on either petrol or diesel and therefore will be fitted with an exhaust-pipe in their lower back and required to regularly refuel at petrol stations.