Isle of Wight Invest in Very Large Stick to Push Itself Away from Mainland UK

After a week of increasingly worrying news regarding the new more infectious variant of the COVID-19 virus, border issues with the EU and further Brexit failures, the Isle of Wight has purchased a very large stick it plans to use to push itself away from the mainland.

The decision to purchase the very large stick has come at a time where the Isle of Wight continues to experience relatively low COVID-19 infection rates, whilst the rest of the UK is seeing a surge driven by the new virus variant.

Worries have also come from a potential surge of mainlanders flocking to the Tier 1-Isle of Wight.

“The time has come to activate Operation Poo-Stick” said leader of the Isle of Wight Council, Cllr Dave Stewart. “We honestly never thought this day would come, but it has. We have ordered the very large stick and expect it to arrive by Friday”.

The very large stick will be located at the tip of Ryde pier and projected out across the River Solent. The end of the very large stick will then be dipped underwater close to the beach at Portsmouth to provide the leverage required to push the Isle of Wight out into the English Channel where it hopes to float towards the Celtic Sea.

A team of 50 Isle of Wight residents titled Operation Team Poo-stick will man the very large stick, all of which have been trained for the operation since it’s top secret inception in 1987.

“I’m so excited!” exclaimed Operation leader Stan Sodclot. “I have been training to use this very large stick every day of my life. This is my time to shine.”