Island to Tighten Border Controls

Isle of Wight border control authorities are set to tighten border restrictions after reports of increasing numbers of Mainlanders sighted across towns and villages spark panic in Island residents.

A new set of border control policies is to be adopted next week in an effort to counter the number of Mainlanders migrating to the Island in search of shingle beaches, chips, tea for two, and grass.

Whilst bringing much needed money to Island businesses, Mainlanders are an exceptionally dangerous species. Having been raised in a dog-eat-dog culture where on the Mainland only the strongest and most ruthless survive, they are far removed from the docile climate of the Isle of Wight. Mainlanders are therefore often unpredictable and violent.

Ethel Hardwood of Newtown was one who came into close contact with a Mainlander: “I was just was pruning my runner beans in my front garden, and this man in a leather jacket approaches me, said Ethel He asked me which was it was to the bus stop. Now im no drug dealer, but I knew this was some sort of mainland slang for crack-den. So I went inside and called the police right away, then grabbed my largest carving knife and told him to bugger off or he would be eating through a straw.”

If you do see a Mainlander in your area, Island police have issued a warning not to approach or engage in any sort of contact with them. They have instructed residents to contact police, stay inside and arm yourselves.

Links to the Mainland are already tightly restricted. Ferry providers Red Funnel and Wightlink have been attempting to curb the flow of Mainland refugees to the Island by charging as much as humanly possible for their services. This does not appear to be enough however.

Border controls will be revising plans to issue shoot-on-sight measures, and both Red Funnel and Wightlink have raised ticket prices. When questioned on whether the price increases will help border control issues both Red Funnel and Wightlink responded What border control issues?