Fracking “Too Rude” For Newtown

Deemed too rude by Newtown Town Council, the act of horizontal drilling in order to powerfully inject fluids, pump after earth-trembling pump, into Mother Nature, has been banned.

After scrutinising the act of removing shale gas from hotspots under the earth for several months, Newtown Town Council finally came to the conclusion that the process used was just too perverse.

In a recent statement Newtown Town Councillor, Thomas Johnson, condemned the lewd way in which the earth is vigorously fracked over-and-over until it spurts out gas.

“Its outright filth! Do you want your children witnessing this act of sexy environmental debauchery?“

Outspoken resident Claudia Strapsworth was one of many supporting the decision to ban fracking. “I believe they made the right choice. Fracking is a sacred act which should stay only between a man and a woman who have been consummated in the eyes of God.”

Newtown resident George Clap was happy to offer us his expert insight into the matter. “I know about fracking. I frack my wife on a weekly basis. Im not afraid to tell you that.

Fracking however, is something that should be performed behind closed doors. I dont want to walk to the bakery every morning only to be confronted by the sight of men in luminous jackets fracking away all over the countryside, do you?”