Carol, 68, from Niton named bookie’s favourite for PM

After exhausting all the disappointing options available to them, 187 Conservative MP’s have selected Carol, 68, from Niton, Isle of Wight as their preferred choice for Prime Minister.

“I’m shocked for sure,” said Carol Quitherbottom when we caught her mid-tomato selection at the local greengrocer. “But I take it as a lovely compliment. It’s nice to try new things at my age, just yesterday I watched an episode of Glow Up on The Netflix.”

Carol has since become the bookmaster’s favourite with her odds of replacing Liz Truss as next Prime Minster set at 87%, trouncing Sunak (3%), Johnson (2%), Mordaunt (5%), a large potato (5%), the Twitter lettuce (10%), and a partially rusted spiralizer found in Liz Truss’ kitchen (4%).

We quizzed Carol on what her priorities would be if she took office next Friday. After gasping deeply and emitting a high-pitched string of giggles she had the following to say:

“Ooooh – hehehe – now THAT’s a rather big question. I suppose first I would have to assert myself, really cement my position as supreme ruler, you know? To do that I would need to eliminate those who might oppose me. I would marginalise the minor threats, and make an example of the more high profile ones.”

At this point in the conversation Carol had crushed a choice tomato in her fist. The red juice dripped through her fingers onto the tiled floor of the shop.

“Yes – hehehe – a few public executions should do nicely. Then I could command the majority I need to make real my true goal – bringing back John Nettles and Midsomer Murders to our television screens! Hehehe.”