Red Squirrels are Actually Dickheads

Earth-shattering information has been revealed by the Royal Cambridge University for Reports and Stuff which has found in a study that Red Squirrels are actually more of a dickhead than their grey counterpart.

The study performed on both red and grey squirrels placed them in several different moral choice situations. Results showed that grey squirrels demonstrated higher levels of empathy, while red squirrels were happier with opting for the morally negative decision.

The squirrels were separated into families and placed within a confined space, the male was given a store of 10 nuts to distribute as he saw fit.

Grey squirrels were more likely to show acts of generosity, whilst red squirrels displayed erratic and violent behaviour. One male attempted to bludgeon their family to death with one of the acorns, before storing it in his cheek for the coming winter.

Threatening and violent behaviour from the red squirrels was also directed towards the scientists.

“I vas just handing out ze nuts to zis little cute red squirrel and zen he attacks me,” recited Professor Heinrich Von Stratwurst. “He grabs mein pen, lunges towards me and attempts to rob mein person. ‘Mein God!’ I shout. It vas never to have been expected!”