European Union Offer To Swap Isle of Wight For Crimea
Angela Merkel has laid down an offer for Russian President Vladimir Putin to swap the Isle of Wight in return for Crimea.
After days of fruitless talks between international leaders on how to settle the crisis in the Ukraine, German Premier Angela Merkel has sent Vladimir Putin what could be a game changing offer.
On the basis that Putin removes all Russian military presence from Crimea, he will be given full sovereignty over the Isle of Wight.
The Russian heartthrob, who frequently needs to lock up women to prevent them from throwing themselves at him, and was even forced to ban being gay for fear that Russian men would follow suit, has found himself sorely tempted by the deal.
“I have been looking for a nice quiet place to ride my bears topless”, said Mr Putin as he mulled over the proposal.
“I could ride them up and down Sandown beach in the summer, cuddling up with them under the pier as we watched the setting sun, sipping the finest Vodkas that Spar provides whilst the light of the rising moon plays upon my hilariously small nipples.”
Famously a romantic, if Mr Putin accepts the deal he will use the Island as a place to write poetry, feed horses, wear sunglasses, and fire guns.