Cushelle Koala to Buy Sandown with Lockdown 3.0 Toilet Roll Profits

As people begin to restart panic buying toilet roll following the news of a third lockdown in England, the Koala behind the Cushelle toilet roll brand has announced plans to use any further profits to buy the Isle of Wight seaside town of Sandown.

Whilst many businesses will again feel a strain on their income caused by another lockdown, other businesses are looking forward to another burst in profit-taking fuelled entirely by short-sighted morons who struggle to distinguish between the s*** that comes out of their bumholes and the s*** that comes out of their mouths.

“Crikey! It’s been an absolute monster year ya know?” said the Cushelle Koala, nibbling on a gold-leafed eucalyptus branch. “I’ve never known anything like it. I always thought you pommies knew how much turd you tend to pop out ya poopers and would be able to go into a shop and just buy a reasonable amount to last a week or two. Turns out you’re all bloody idiots!”

Supermarket chains rapidly ran out of toilet roll stock during the first lockdown in March 2020 and are already seeing similar situations. With bone-headed idiots worried that they would be forced to use their child’s clothing if they are unable to purchase a minimum of 80 rolls during their weekly shop whilst wounding a single old lady, shouting at a shop attendant and spitting in a cashier’s face.

“It’s happening! It’s the end of days!” screamed one delirious idiot. “Get out the way! I must have large quantities of toilet roll and dry pasta, it’s all we need to survive! F*** you grandma put that four pack down or I’ll slit you and bathe in your innards!”

The Koala will finalise the purchase of Sandown later in April. Plans for the town include entirely demolishing all structures in the area and replacing them with eucalyptus trees.

“Carry on worrying about wiping your stupid arses during lockdown instead of what really matters you pommy idiots” said the Koala. “Maybe I’ll buy Ventnor next.”