Future COVID Tier Levels to be Decided by National Lottery Machines

The UK government has resolved that decisions regarding all future changes to local COVID tier restrictions will handed over to the machines at the UK National Lottery.

In a move that UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has hailed as “disturbingly obvious” all decisions regarding the new tier level restrictions of local areas in the UK will be handed over to the machines at the National Lottery.

“Well err, it’s pretty ruddy err, obvious I would say” bumbled Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “The absolutely incomprehensible randomness of our decision making when it comes to setting the restriction levels across the country match up jolly well perfectly to the complete random chance of the national lottery system.”

From next Thursday the government will host a weekly National Lottery draw which will determine the COVID tier restriction levels of all local areas across the UK for the following week.

When asked about the fact that the National Lottery numbering numbering system runs between 1 – 59 the Prime Minister responded as follows:

“Honestly it’s as clear as a partridge’s posterior. We are clearly approaching this response from a knee-jerk all-guns-blazing let’s s just see what happens approach. So it’s inevitable that we will end up having around about 59 different tiers, which makes the National Lottery Machines the perfect choice for determining which areas go into what tiers.”